17 Jul 2013

'Beneath (2013)' Review

Director: Larry Fessenden
Writers: Tony Daniel, Brian D. Smith
Stars: Daniel Zovatto, Bonnie Dennison, Chris Conroy

Six high school seniors celebrating with day's excursion find themselves on rowboat attacked by man-eating fish and must decide who must be sacrificed as they fight their way back to shore.

Beneath, a horror-thriller that can be described in one single word; Horrifying. So as you probably know from my 0.5 rating that I mean "Horrifying" in the most negative of ways. Wow, this movie experience has taught me a very special lesson, to not spend and hour and a half of my time on a complete horrendous experience like this again! I suppose I should have watched Sharknado over this then?

With a plot not as bad as expected, ruined by the dumbest movie villain in recent history, Beneath almost becomes the definition of the word "Atrocious" in the movie world, and you may think to yourself "I'm sure it can't be that bad", Believe me, it would almost be a sin for you to waste what you will realize is valuable time after watching this big massive mess of a film. What can I say, it's a bad movie, I mean BAD. Thinking back on the horse-sh*t experience only makes me hate the film even more; and just to think that I dedicated some of my valuable time to watch this makes steam come from my ears. How could it be so bad you're probably wondering? Well here you go;

1. The villain is a fu*king Tiger-Fish! A FISH! Trust me, if you ever do decide to watch the film (which I highly recommend you don't) you will realize just how absolutely ridiculous this fish is, how it looks becomes a laughing matter, and how it acts is just hilariously terrible.
2. The characters are so one-dimensional and hateful that there were plenty of moments were I was hoping the fu*k-ugly fish would just snatch them up so the film would be over and done with.
3. Hateful cast of actors. Their acting, and just them in general is as rotten as it gets.
4. The attempt at creating suspense is so laughable that for a brief while I thought this was intentional comedy. Suspense is as scarce as logic.
5. Dumb-ass teens never learn. I mean there were so many chances for them to escape, and the decisions they were making were just brain-fryingly annoying.
6. Dialogue is just vomit.
7. What feels like a 3 hour experience is actually only 85 minutes. No lie.
8. Boring. Boring. Boring.
9. The most tedious film I have ever watched.
10. Oh, did I mention, it's just plain awful.

Maybe i'm being too harsh, actually, I think I am, but all I am trying to do is stop you from watching one of the worse movie experiences of 2013. Beneath is literally unwatchable, and if you have watched it and liked it, then I applaud you for your patience, and not for your poor taste in movies. I can't see how anyone could like this, but if you do, then you may be alone in that one.

VERDICT: Beneath is worse than anyone could have predicted. It's tedious, drab, hateful, and just plain awful. it's attempt at suspense is laughable and character development pathetic, Beneath is exactly the sort of horror you want to avoid, and although you will not realize how bad it is until watching, I can safely that would you easily regret that choice, and wish you would have watched Sharknado instead. Easily the worst movie of 2013 so far.


1 comment:

  1. I was jus about to watch this movie before I stumbled across this great review. Thanks. BULLET DODGED

    ReplyDelete

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