9 Apr 2014

Things Horror Fans Shouldn't Say

Did you ever sit there and hear someone who "loves horror" say "yeah, I really think Reeker 2 is a great sequel"? Yeah well if you did then that means that they don't have a clue and that there taste in horror is worse than the smell of a rotted corpse on The Walking Dead. Sure, everyone is aloud to have that guilty pleasure, I mean I have my baggage, but when you hear someone say how much better a terrible sequel is than the original, you know something isn't right there; so here is my list of horror movies that if people say are good/great, then you know their opinion in the future is completely invalid.

"Jason X is the Best Friday The 13th Movie"
Now, let's just talk about this for a second here; anyone living soul horror fan or not, that comes out with turd like this should be tied to a chair and made to watch every single horror film ever to realise just how terrible Jason X is. I am not a fan of the Friday The 13th Franchise (although I am a fan of Jason), and even I can tell you, that if Jason X is your favourite of them all then you got to go see a doctor cause that shit just ain't normal. Fair enough, the franchise doesn't offer much competition, and we have all seen Jason Takes Manhattan, but how in the name of God could you possibly think that cheap sci-fi piece of garbage could be better than the rest? You can spray a turd with silver, add metal, space, technology, futuristic weapons, robots and flashy deaths all you want; but at the end of the day, it's still a turd. Enough said I think?

"Halloween: Resurrection is the Best Entry in the Franchise"
Ok, now I have a serious problem with anyone who comes out with things like this, I mean it should be illegal if you are a horror fan; and if you have seen your fair share of horror's and still see nothing wrong with this statement, then you have to go seek psychiatric quick. Halloween: Resurrection is not only the worst, but it is the dumbest of a bad bunch. John Carpenter's original is a masterpiece, and Halloween H20 comes pretty damn close to being a perfect sequel; but there is no time on this earth for people to be coming out with crap like that... ever. Have you seen Resurrection? It's diabolical in nearly every way possible. The acting is cheap, the action is laughable, the logic is south and plot is just horrendous. Just when you thought nothing could get worse than Myers being part of some demonic ritual gang, Resurrection comes along and proves that with annoying visuals, cast and premise, you are one step away from making the worse horror movie ever.  

"I Prefer Remakes"
This is one I don't hate on so much, but find completely idiotic. Remakes are the future if not the present, and that is something we as a society have to accept. Remakes have a stigma surrounding them, and regardless of the rare successes as in Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, The Thing etc. you get the god awful ones that reinforce the reputation the sub-genre has today - Ala A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Wicker Man, Prom Night. Most recently the horror genre is starting to move away from remakes, branching out to form future greats like You're Next, The Conjuring and upcoming Oculus; but in no way have they come to a halt as soon enough we will be expecting both The Poltergeist and It remake. Guys, if you prefere remakes then you are basically contradicting yourself; go back, watch the original, and if needs be visit the sequels too. Although, that's not something I would advise.

"I Love Found-Footage Horror Movies"
NO YOU DON'T! Why? Because there money-grabbing and all they do is produce the same shit over and over and over! Just how many found-footage horror films have you seen of a supernatural type huh? Now, how many have you seen with a different sub-genre like a slasher? Yeah exactly. You don't love found-footage films; what you love is the supernatural sub-genre because that's all those bloody films are ever about! I mean what's to love about a shrieking woman running around holding a camera, not being able to see a single fucking thing that's happening whilst all the jump scares are formed from the camera quickly panning around a corner? Nothing! They're annoying and that's the whole of it. What's even more annoying is that the next Friday The 13th film is expected to be of this style so unlucky to all those Jason fans out there, as you are in for one frustrating ride.

"That was too Gory"
This is a controversial one in the sense that this is something that is OK for people to say (at times). Sure, it's fine to say something like Saw is "too gory" because they simply don't have anything else to offer other than that - but to dislike a film like Evil Dead for being "too gory" is a crime within itself. Gore in films like that are used for purpose and are effective when used right, but saying you don't like gore and being a horror fan is like saying you don't like romance when you love rom-coms, and you don't like guns being used in action films; it just doesn't quite make sense. But then again, those Hammer Horror finnatics may love the older stuff which as you know contain minimal gore, but for all you modern maniacs, you simply have no excuse.

"I Really Love what they did with the Plot" (Whilst Talking About Sequels)

Really? You loved when they made Michael Myers an unkillable force who became part of some demonic cult that was on the hunt for a baby? You loved how they froze Jason and then brought him back far into the future to seek bloody revenge on a spaceship? You loved Victor Crowley constantly came back from the dead to do the same thing repeatedly? You loved how Freddy literally turned into a walkin' talkin' joke? You loved how Leatherface became an uncontrollable tranny who was more emotionally damaged than Sidney Prescott? You loved when they made Ben Willis come after Julie on her holidays with his son Will Benson on the look for revenge after they went on a holiday with not another single person on sight? You loved how The Leprechaun went to Vegas and "Da Hood"? You loved how every horror franchise over 3 entries completely fucked the story up so much that you forgot what started it in the first place? Come on now, you didn't love any of that, so in future please don't come out with it again.

"The Saw Franchise is My Favourite"

Now hold the fuck up! Who even says that let alone think it?! I'm sorry if you have a rack of 1000 of your favourite horror movies which include the top 1000 ever, but when you let those words slip from your mouth, your taste in good horror immediately goes down the drain. Why you may ask? Well, let me put it this way; the Saw Franchise is nothing put tacky torture-porn thats numerous attempt to "build a plot" and "end with a twist" fails so badly that they make the Resident Evil Franchise's story look less mangled than the elephant man's face. I have had my limit, but when I am subjected to nothing more than mindless and tedious gore I am not interested; and for someone who has "seen it all", neither should you. You may want to reevaluate your taste if Saw VI is in your top 10 list.

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