22 Aug 2014

Review - 80's Styled Slashers Don't Come Worse Than 'Varsity Blood'

A pack of small town jocks and cheerleaders with a dark secret head out to a remote farmhouse for a raucous Halloween pasture party, only to find themselves up for slaughter by someone dressed as their high school mascot, an Indian warrior wielding a lethal fighting ax and a bow and arrow.

At the time, it was all about 80's slasher movies, from Jason to Freddy, Chucky to Jamie Lee Curtis; tacky, nipple-slipping gore-fests with hot victims and creepy masks was what the horror genre was all about, but when you get an homage that "tries" to wink at all the typical 80's slasher cliches in which it subsequently ends up falling into, you can do nothing but despite it, and admiration is the last thing your willing you give. That folks is Varsity Blood, one of 2014's worst films.

Obviously there are too many micro-budget horrors that don't even make it to DVD and may never do so, but for those that have been put out on the shelves for the public to acknowledge, this is a clear loser. Varsity Blood is 90 minutes of utter garbage; the type that has been around the block picking up each and every awful disease before falling to its last breath. In other words, Varsity Blood is a wheel of trashy cliches, one after the other, all enhanced by tension that's weak and acting that is putrid. This is amateur film making at its finest, and reads like a bad student project who's creator penned the idea after a bucket of cocaine and a double dose of Slaughter High. Perhaps All Cheerleaders Die meets Friday The 13th may be more accurate, but only someone who was off their tits on drugs could create dialogue so terrible and action so dumb.

Where do I start really? Well I suppose with the god awful acting might be a good idea. Now, I have seen my fair share of bad acting, and sometimes it makes the horror film a lot more enjoyable, but never before have I witnessed an entire cast be so utterly talentless! I suppose some could say the same about my blog but the difference is that I don't give a shit, and their terrible acting should be something they should worry about... a lot.

Everything on display is extremely inept, lacking any logical structure whilst completely depriving itself of material worth half of the interest you are investing. It's all one big ball of manure that gets bigger the more it rolls around in its own crap, and just when you thought there might be a glimmer of hope for a scene even half original, you are lunged into the front seat of something that's tension is as weak as its acting Perhaps the sound has a huge part to play in the terrible display of Varsity Blood, and maybe a few good sound effects and a high-tension score might have fixed this, but it all feels too sloppy and too inconsistent to connect with, leaving for a hollow, lifeless 80's homage experience with more beauty than brains.

Hands down, the worst horror of 2014 and can be described as nothing other than horrible in every sense , shape and form; School's out for Varsity Blood.


2014 / 87 mins / Slasher / 15

Director: Jake Helgren

Writer: Jake Helgren

Stars: Lexi Giovagnoli, Wesley Scott, Debbie Rechon, Natalie Peyton, Blair Jackson

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